TONTTU - The Ultimate Gnome Conspiracy Interview

When Stephen King published his novel It back in 1986 he popularized the archetype of the Evil Clown. It is associated to the irrational fear of clowns which is known as Coulrophobia.

Which brings me to Gnomes. How do you feel about gnomes? The ones in your neighbours’ gardens… Staring at you at night crouching under bushes as you walk home? Did you know we are approaching the biggest Gnome event of the year…? How about Santa? Do you see him as the incarnation of Christmas Spirit or the ultimate demonstration of a highly desperate consumer society?

Gnomes are Evil and must be eradicated at any costs. Martyrs for the cause are highly appreciated. And Music seems to be a most valuable weapon in this Search & Destroy mission. As Tonttufindergeneral Hanz-Baal (TFG) states: “There are only two types of music: Anti-Gnome Muzik and Pro-Gnome Muzak.”

Gnomephobia? Nothing like that. TONTTU is a highly intellectual and sarcastic music project that metaphorically uses the imagery of Gnomes to make their statement on today’s society.

After weeks of relentless research and many coveurt chats (the location of TONTTU’s headquarters is kept secret for obvious reasons) I managed to track down TFG to find out more about the Gnome Conspiracy & Anti-Gnomemartialindustrialneofolkmetal.

Crow Xp: Welcome, TFG. As promised I will not disclose the location of TONTTU’s headquarters… The fact that I have no idea where we are helps. Why so much secrecy?

Tonttufindergeneral Hanz Baal: That is the way it has to be, but glad you made it here, sorry about those little scars from our decorative barbwires, by the way… And sorry about those dogs chasing after you, forgot to lock em up… But hey, I will not charge you for the extra fitness counseling! How about that? You had a good run after all, hehehhee, get it? Good run, priceless…And those teeth marks will fade away in time and meantime you can show em off like little medals of honour!

Oh, how much I love medals… And fanfares… And flamethrowers, but that is another story… You must be so happy to see me, so we would do good starting… Oh, you did already? Ummmhhh…. I knew it all the time, just checking if you are vigilant! Congratulations, you passed! Well when fighting against gnomes (or gnome-related issues) one’s life is in constant danger, no need to push our luck by revealing our identities or whereabouts, is there now?

Crow Xp: Ok… Little Medals of Honour? I can live with that… In cinema & literature authors often use metaphors and imaginary characters to convey their view on society. Is that what you’re doing with TONTTU?

TFG: Is that a trick question? I bet it is! Gnomes are gnomes and if there are some similarities between some things gnomes (or their collaborators) do and then again with certain things in today’s society (or people in it) they are naturally pure coincidence! But one must think it as follows: Everything bad is to be blamed on gnomes, as they are naturally behind it!

There just might be some reason to do what you suggested, but there would be no reason for me to admit it! Better keep our agenda clear for people, they are usually quite simpletons in so many ways and love to embrace the most one-eyed ideas and ideologies.

This gives me an idea of reverse psychology (thank you for that): If I were to blame something bad on people or on system that would cause people to think of gnomes -obviously! Brilliant, have had some problems making people understand the threat of gnomes so this could be my new way to proceed!

Crow Xp: Tell us about your dislike for gnomes in general.

TFG: My pleasure, they are malevolent beings that threaten our very existence and thus they should be burned at sight and then burned again. They are destroyers of all that is pure and good and care nothing but for themselves and for the short-sighted profit they can make or spleen they can eat. There you go, next!

Crow Xp: You founded the TONTTU Global Anti-Gnome Army… Do you have many followers & collaborators?

TFG: Not enough! I think everyone in their right minds should support us and those resisting the call should be treated as gnomes, very humane way to deal with this grave issue! Nothing like a threat of getting scorched to make people think the right way, me thinketh. I have said that TONTTU is the best filter in the world when it comes down to separating the wheat from the chaff.

Collaborators: We are very blessed to have so many collaborators nowadays, overwhelmed by that fact and totally thankful for them. TONTTU-crew aside but now I must give special holla for Phobos Reactor and Marcel P. from Miel Noir, not to forget my close collaborators P. Emerson Williams and Thomas Jude Barclay Morrison! Loads of other people too, but these ones steal the spotlight now.

Crow Xp: Anti-Gnomemartialindustrialneofolkmetal – It’s quite clear on which side you stand… Anti-Gnome Muzik. What do you consider to be Pro-Gnome Muzak?

TFG: Could not be easier: Any music that is not righteous Anti-Gnome Muzik! And you know, when ones’s horse is as high as mine one is justified to set the rules… No, one has the obligation to set em! Anti-Gnome Muzik has the clear and beautiful agenda of destroying gnomes, not heard on many radio stations, is it now? No, when you open the radio your ears are filled with red capped excrement that makes your head hurt! Pthui!

Crow Xp: What are the destructive traits of Anti-Gnome Muzik? And where can our readers find it?

TFG: There is nothing but pure beauty, serenity and righteous truth in Anti-Gnome Muzik, that is the thing that repels gnomes and those admiring and helping them! Those who are not into Anti-Gnome Muzik are suspicious to begin with and must be purified one way or another… I usually prefer another…. The best way to find Anti-Gnome Muzik is to follow the glorious path of TONTTU and go to Panicmachine.

Crow Xp: How many gnomes have you destroyed so far? Is Santa Claus on your list? If so, please spare the reindeers.

TFG: Not to brag but more than the next guy, usually. I find it vulgar to state how much better I am than others, even though they must understand that.

Santa is of course on my list as it is actually Yog-Sothoth possessed by gnomes and that is a thing we must not overlook.

Spare reindeers? Even when they help that darn Cola-mannequin? Don’t think so! And one of them has a red nose, if it was any sharper it would look like a certain style of a cap! Wink wink – nudge nudge… Reason enough, I think…

What next, save all the animals? We are doing great job as humans eradicating so many species that just might be sympathizing gnomes, insert highest of fives here. Dammit!

Crow Xp: You stated that two ways of destroying gnomes were throwing more plastic into the oceans & global warming… Isn’t that a bit redundant? I mean, seems like gnomes are on self-destructive mode already… so why bother?

TFG: We must think outside of those damn boxes and burn them while at it, so it would be harder for gnomes to breath! And it would help our agenda of warming up this earth infested by those pesky gnomes!

We must destroy their way of life even though it may sound a bit tricky: But there is no glory higher than to give our own lives just not to let gnomes win this: They want us dead and if we do nothing they are sure to win!

Crow Xp: I believe you use codes in your music… tell us a bit more about that.

TFG: Codes? Must be a malicious rumor! Our music and lyrics in the neverred songs are straightforward and open up to everyone listening to them like some beautiful flower! Everyone gets them if they just let it run through them… Like for five years on a roll… Nonstop… In isolation… Under water boarding and / or related stuff… Good times! I only listen to TONTTU and you see how stable it has made me!

Crow Xp: I have it from a trustworthy source that a book is about to be released.

TFG: Oooh yes! Soonish, I believe and through the beloved Panicmachine, as it should. It is now being illustrated and what not by P. Emerson Williams and then it is done. I have been a small help for Thomas Jude Barclay Morrison with the writzie-stuffie, it is mine and Anti-Gnomen’s life story, really.

After this book everyone will finally understand that they do not need any other books and they will build huge book pyres! About time they do that!

I also think, that after we reveal all the gnomes’ plans, I will be nominated as the Supreme Overlord of this wretched planet, and I must say not a minute too early!

Crow Xp: Any last statement to humankind?

TFG: Hey, you are doing such a great job aiding gnomes, how about doing something good for a change? If you are happy with how things are going: Whooppididuu! If not, why not start using your brains and blaming everything on gnomes, as all the normal people do.

Crow Xp: It was interesting to learn about Gnomes. I am now having second thoughts about Christmas… Should people secure their fireplaces and deny Santa Claus access to their homes?

TFG: Well if Santa and those darn gnomes co-operated and just jumped into those flames everything would be so much easier, but noooo…. They just think about themselves! So we all must seal our houses up and plaster them with tin foil when done! You know you have done your job well when it gets a bit hard to breath, but the true fighter can take pride of that kinds of tricky situations and take them as a challenge!

Never invite ANYONE in, let alone Santa or those vile gnomes and or anyone / anything that has anything to do with them! As one great guy that happens to have my name once said: “If there is the slightest of suspicion: Eradicate!”

Crow Xp: Thanks for having me over. Very enlightening chat indeed. Time to head back… Now where did I leave my hood?

TFG: Oh was it the red one I just bur…ritos are nice btw! … Ummmmhhhh, gnomes must have taken it! Yeah, off you go, you must have so much to do and no time to think about such trivialities like… what was that… a scarf, perhaps? Yeah… Go write, or something! Thank you and feel free to contact me again if there is something I can help with, I am darn good at many things, like killing gnomes and… … …And that kind of stuff and things! Some call me renaissance man for that and I do not blame them… I blame gnomes if there is something to be blamed on somebody! What was I saying… Ummmmmhhh… Bye now! *Seals the door* (….mumbling and whistling heard from the distance…)